The Horrible Harpy Gets the Worm

Remember how I was saying the FiOS router was slow and kept freezing up? Y’know, and it was all old and stuff? Yeah. So we called Verizon, and the customer service lady said, “Hell yeah, we’ll send you a new one.” And Mr. Shoe was all happy. Then she said, “Oh, wait, there’s a flag on the account that in order to replace it you need to talk to tech support first.” Mr. Shoe was all “Awww.”

I realized that he was with tech support when he said, “Hey, they’re going to send one out right away…” and then he was on the phone a half hour later.

So I told him to give me the friggin’ phone. I know that call center tech support is a soul sucking job, but being on the phone with them being told stuff like you’re a moron for a half hour in the attempt to get you to shut up and troubleshoot a piece of hardware that is a respectable old age that just is failing and needs replacing and probably costs Verizon fifty bucks (if even… which is less than our internet service) is pretty soul sucking too.

I told the tech the problem was it was old, and didn’t work, and to please forget all the crap Mr. Shoe said about wireless and streaming movies, it just slows to a halt, and we haven’t changed jack about how we use the internet, or the devices we use. The only thing that changed, I realized today, was that we bought a faster internet plan about the time it started messing up.


The tech mentioned older routers have a tiny NAT table and they clog up really fast with streaming. Also, it’s a bad idea to use a Roku box and especially to use it via wireless… I told him to suck it as we’d be doing it that way since 2009, when we first got both the Roku and the FiOS, and this has never happened. And the idea is… older routers. This is an old router. Please replace it, because our service, while not completely useless… Shouldn’t require I reboot the damned router when it freezes up every week. We pay too much for that.

So the tech dude, about three minutes in, gave up trying to talk over my going apeshit on him, and said he would, just as a courtesy, send us a replacement, even though from what he could tell it was all working fine. (It was. We had rebooted it.) We were told to send the old one back though.

It arrived just now. And I am getting faster than 15mb down 5mb up while streaming in HD (wirelessly) as I run the speed test (wirelessly, on my laptop). Which means we’re getting better than that, likely, via the wired in desktop. That was most definitely not happening since we upgraded.

Also, the receipt said that while we’d been instructed to send our old, defective router back, Verizon doesn’t really want the lousy old pieces of crap back because they’re old and not really compatible with the service (okay, I paraphrase…. but come on).

If I hadn’t gotten the phone from Mr. Shoe, he’d probably still be on the phone… No, but he would have gone away mad and not gotten them to send a new one. (Our old one, it turned out, was one of the last ones they had that featured firmware/chipsets with a truly tiny NAT table.) He was focusing too much on the wireless, when the problem was that the whole ship was sinking and unable to recover, it was just a lot more evident with wireless.

Anyway, glad I got to exercise the bitchy side. And to be honest, I think I might’ve told the tech “suck it.” I’m not sure. I am sure he knew that there was an issue (he knew what it was and why, and so did… as I said… it was old.) and I am sure he had to try troubleshooting and act all put out about sending a new router, even though he knew. He was still sorta a smarmy ass.

I don’t care. It works now. All I wanted.


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