Throw Em Out (or the TOYS, Eddie, We Had to Eat the TOYS!)

Because the world wasn’t completely spinning, Mr. Shoe and I struck out to the fine establishment known as Target (en français: Tarjay!) last night to pick up toys for the toy drive that the health department runs.  Here’s a tip for people shopping in the toy departments this time of year: It’s good to be obnoxious enough that people keep themselves and their overtired, overstimulated wives children away from you, but not so obnoxious that security tosses you. We did manage to achieve both these objectives.

Since re-viewing Eddie Murphy’s “Raw” video, the mere sight of a Monopoly board, Twister mat, or Slinky will set Mr. Shoe and I off.  Murphy ends his routine with his dad waxing poetic about the time when his dad only made thirteen and a half cents a week, and all they had to eat and wear was supplied by dad’s workplace. Dad worked in a toy factory. So Eddie Murphy’s dad had to eat toys, and go to school wrapped in a Twister mat.

As soon as we walk in to the store, there’s a damned Monopoly board. It was over.

We did find a really cool solar powered, eco-friendly packaged remote control car. We thought that was good and nerdy and appropriate for the health department, and didn’t need batteries. We thought it ought to be a sort of “carbon credit” for getting less appropriate toys. We couldn’t get anything that could be misconstrued as a weapon.

Dudes, these are children under the age of twelve… boxes are often very entertaining, and any damn thing can become a weapon in the right situation. A kid is just as likely to haul off and whack you with a Betsy Wetsy as dress a Nerf tommy gun in swaddling clothes and offer it a bottle. That’s probably the one saving grace of kids. Reality doesn’t need to apply to inanimate objects. Hooray!

However, I take a bit of exception to the GI Joe Stealth Suit that look a little too disturbingly like a Klan robe. Jus’ sayin.

We thought it might be a little more subtle to get the large scale racing car that was branded with Valvoline and Nicorette with our solar eco-friendly remote control smart car carbon credit, but it was more than the freakin’ cool nerdy car so we passed on it.

Mr. Shoe took them to work today so they could be checked for lead content. I think they make the people who are ready for retirement or who have the lowest seniority lick them… No. I’m bad. But he is going to be sure to warn them that the Target bag that he’s dropping them off in is not a toy.

Can’t be too careful, after all.

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