I Owe Ya One

Right, so I didn’t fall off the face of the earth, but when you don’t see me online for months, it’s probably a pretty close bet that I’m hanging desperately on to the edge.

Let’s put it this way: Evidently any close up work or screens that I concentrate on real hard end up causing seasickness that the meclizine can’t take care of too well. If walking around with sea legs were where it ended, that’d be fine. But usually it ends up with a trip to visit the porcelain goddess. Let me tell you this: Every last time that happens, I have a pug glued to my leg for the next 36 hours. Penny is petrified of the thought of her mom imploding. It’s in evidence every time I sneeze.

So what’s the verdict? Well, jeez, what’s always the verdict? Not much we can do. Reacclimatize yourself, but it probably won’t be great and just remember to stop before you get ill.

I think the most troublesome thing is when I look back, I am seeing that the core bits of my problem have been here for years. Decades. And periodically, things get worse… usually after I’m run down, or get a cold or virus or some creeping crud. Then it blows up, and blows out, and leaves me with a souvenir. It’s taken decades, but now I’ve got really crappy lasting ones.

Saw a neurologist (again)… And I will give him this: For a neurologist, he wasn’t a complete sociopath. Actually, he was very personable. Not as personable as my sleep neurologist, but hey. But he said something that is indeed troubling me. First, that a lot of what has shown on tests could be explained by inflammation — like, nerves firing without reason in my chest is generally the result of a virus that inflames stuff. And if I don’t have a pituitary tumor (and since my medications don’t include things that cause it), diabetes insipidus is generally the result of brain swelling.

And by the way, he doesn’t think my problem is neurological. Cough. Now, fine, it didn’t kill me or anything, just basically pulled a Tonya Harding on my Nancy Kerrigan of a brain — but let’s say (as my physicians have agreed) that this is something that keeps flaring and remitting — shouldn’t, um, recurrent brain and spinal column inflammation be a slight cause for concern?

I’m not okay with the fact that chances are good I’m not getting back much that I’ve lost thus far, but I have to accept and deal with it. Fine. Will do. And I might be able to reclaim some of it. But dammit all,  I really would like to cut down the chances of losing more. And no one seems even willing to think in that direction. The kicker is I know when it comes back (it will, alas. No one wishes it were different more than I do, but I can’t delude myself… it’s disappointing enough when it comes back all on its own), I’m going to have another round of distracted doctors looking at different bits of the damned elephant.

In the meantime, I press on. Because that’s what comes down to me, and if I throw it in and don’t do anything to make it worthwhile, I’m only screwing myself over. I’d love to just say the hell with it, and not go to doctor’s visits and just use that time to do something I’d at least want to do (since I seem to be spinning my wheels again anyway with them) but that means I’m okay with the fact that a good deal of this is simple reluctance, overwhelmedness, and fear of failure and defeatism on the medical profession’s part. I don’t feel defeated, or hopeless, and I’m totally okay with defining “failure” as simply a lack of trying. I don’t have time for defeat. It’s not a luxury I have anyway.

Now, to visit my friend John.

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4 Responses to I Owe Ya One

  1. OK, I hate to comment, since that means you will be looking at the screen again, but I want to give you an idea. Maybe you can solve part of your problem by “pretending you are blind”. T. V. Raman of Google’s accessibility team says that he doesn’t develop tools for people who are blind, but rather for people who AREN’T LOOKING AT THEIR DEVICES. Ooo… nice thought, huh? :)

    So, yeah, there are actually a lot of things you can do to look at the screen less, or even not at all. Turning off the screen and use a screen reader for most of your work might be a really good start. If you want to brainstorm some other things you can do to make your computing more accessible to YOU, give me a holler any time. :)

  2. Fla. Anex says:

    Simply put, WE LOVE YOU!

    and are glad to see you back.

    Hugz from all-

  3. Momshoe says:

    Great to hear from you – sorry to hear you’re having difficulties again – still – again…. ?
    I was interested in Lisha’s comment. Might be kinda good if you could be a “lab rat” for these new (?) accessability products. You could try stuff out (for free?) and write about it. You’re a natural. At any rate,I hope today was one of your “good” days – and tomorrow too!

  4. shoe says:

    Hee hee, I know Lisha’s — and Google’s approach — and while I’m not a big fan of screen readers (I might learn, and the blind vs. I don’t want to be staring at the screen difference is a significant one), the free (as in speech and beer) speech to text deals are at least as functional as the way too expensive Dragon systems and stuff.

    Hey– my dad used Naturally Speaking in grad school, and every last paper had to be checked three times because it kept typing “terrorist” when he said “therapist” which kinda blows when you’re completing a course to get your license in counseling.

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